I cringe as I catch myself. Yep. I have done it again. I have scurried along at a break- necked speed and as I move I utter commandments at rapid fire speed to those I love the most.
On occasion, I have been accused of being over controlling and intense. Ouch. That is not the description I am looking for when, from my perspective, I am doing everything possible to make sure that my house and my family are well kept and organized.
Perhaps the worst part of the accusation is there is truth in it. Sometimes I have an out of body experience (not literally) and I hear myself: Did you take your vitamins? Do you have a water bottle? You know how important hydration is! Why do I need to remind you to put your shoes IN the closet? Did you feed the dogs? Is your homework done?
Oh the list could go on and on.
Most of the time, I really like my husband, so when he gives me the look which translates to, ‘You are doing it again’ I try not to be offended. When I go into OVER CONTROL mode, I tend to lose any sense of humour, I am edgy, emotional and I spend much of my energy trying to manage everyone else’s life plus my own. It doesn’t help that the more I remind, nag, and cajole the less my kids hear me. I morph into Charlie Brown’s teacher: Blah Blah Blah.
It gets bad. I get really wound up about stuff that lies around the house, chores that are not done, appointments that surprise me and errands that multiply like rabbits. I snap when someone at home needs me, I am insulted if my kids don’t respond promptly and I am exhausted before the day begins.
I don’t do it for malicious reasons. In fact, I thought I was doing it because NO ONE EVER listens to me at home. However, some journaling, reflection and chats with my husband tells me that my over control phases probably have a lot more to do with my on fear and anxiety than they do with being a responsible mother.
To be fair, it is certainly true that my control thermometer is quite accurately reflective of the degree of teamwork and help I am getting in the household. At times, my family needs to tune up their contribution to maintaining health and organization of our household. But, I notice that the more my own personal, private, life feels out of control the more I feel that I NEED to control the external environment and everyone in it.
I know that I am not alone. I take comfort in the fact that there are many woman and men out there who can relate. However, I really donât like myself when I am a control freak. It is exhausting. And it never accomplishes what I need. I end up feeling crappy, bitchy, unlovable and…unheard.
I don’t have any magic answers. I am still too new in my understanding. But, I am at least open to receiving the look, and knowing that it is intended to help me recognize my actions so that I can put the monster to sleep before it exhausts me.
How do you control the CONTROL FREAK in you?